tumble dryer

Christ is Born!
Glorify Him!

yet another Christmas here and gone. sad to think about. didn't even feel like the holiday. one week until the new year. 2010. how weird. i'm getting old.

i'm also lonely. for a man. don't get me wrong, there are plenty of guys who like me, and i like plenty of guys (kind of an understatement) but i never like the guys who like me, and the guys that i like don't even pay attention to me/realize that i exist. i miss the security of "sillyface"...but it wasn't secure. it was nice to have someone there, but i never knew when we would next talk, and that was always really difficult. it's so weird...maybe i have super high expectations, but i just can't find anyone. like, i can't find anyone to date, much less my prince charming. when will i ever find him? i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm very discouraged. i rarely get "that kind" of attention from guys and when i do, it's either insincere, or else they are autistic or just someone who is an amazing friend and i wouldn't want to ruin that/ i don't have feelings for them.

now, in this society, at least when it comes to high school dating, it seems like more and more, you don't have to be infatuated by a person before you date them. you can just think they're cute, or even not think anything positive at all about the person. why are these things normal?it's ridiculous to date someone, to have an intimate, sincere relationship with anyone unless you really know that person and are sincerely determined to spend the rest of your life together.

don't get me wrong...i love going to movies, starbucks, and so forth with guys. it's a lot of fun. just as long as it's only that. a cup of coffee. a movie. a chat to better understand the other person. all of these are wonderful things. buttt....it seems like it's more acceptable for my friends/acquaintances to do that with someone they barely know and call it a date, let's make this a habit.

i know my writing skills are sub-par, so let me just make this clear to you: i HATE the idea of dating on a whim, or dating just to date. it makes my spine crawl! i don't know why i found it necessary to say that, but there are have it, folks: i'm lonely, discouraged and upset with the idea of dating just to date.

when i finally find someone who truly loves me for the crazy, dumb, insane person that i am, and when we start dating, it's gonna be sincere. i know it. i won't be able to dispel this lonliness with just anyone. it's gonna have to be someone very special. i hate being mature. but i shouldn't be discouraged because some day my prince will come. i may meet him in a few years, or i may turn around tomorrow and realize that it's somebody who's been there all along.

i'm also tired of being the girl who's ignored for being the "good girl". the modest one who honestly tries not to flirt or do anything wrong. i hate being pushed away because i have morals. i know, those guys aren't worth my time, but it still hurts because they're usually the only ones who pay attention to me. at least until they start talking to me and realize that i won't give them what they want, and don't even want to talk about it. all of the good guys, the ones who i truly admore and want to spend my time with, well, either i don't have feelings for them, or they don't realize that i just wanna be their friend, in my own, creepy manner. i don't know. i'm usually not great at articulating, so sorry that this is just a random jumble of nothingness. but that's how my brain feels right now. like it went through a tumble dryer.

happy 2nd day of Christmas!